It's somewhat late. I used to love this times. When i'm getting really tired and my mind starts to fail. I've had my most interesting introspective moments in this state. But in recent years i've stopped to embrace those. I'm getting old.
I always felt old. But now my body seems to catch up. And you really know that you are getting old when you don't have any great plans for the future. It's not likely that i'll rescue the world. It's not likely for me to become a famous rock star, or serial killer. The most likely future is that i'll keep doing what i am doing now. Enjoying and suffering what crosses my way.
Most depressing is that i'm ok with the answers i've found. And puzzles that still loom, start to become something for others to solve. It sounds like wisdom, and it probably is. But wisdom isn't fun at all. In fact it's the opposite of excitement
I'm ok being part of a grand and yet pointless universe. I'm fine being completely unimportant and unremarkable. Mostly because everything else is so too. The sense of importance can only be invoked by ignorance. And ignorance is something you can only loose, not obtain.
That's strange, I feel as though the opposite is happening with me. I'm becoming more and more ignorant with each passing day. I refuse to believe I'm unimportant - even though everything else seems to be, including obvious signs of decline on my part, and stuff slipping from me: Yet I imagine myself being a metaphysical enclave of sorts, detached from the useless rest of it all. Sometimes it works.
ReplyDeleteSometimes I have to hit harder.